THE MUPPETS TAKE MCGARRETT

BY

CINDY KIMURA

Steve McGarrett rubbed his tired eyes, 9 P.M.; the rest of the office staff had gone home long ago, including Dan. I just need a little catnap. Steve stood up, stretched, rolled down his shirtsleeves and headed to the long, white leather couch in his office. His jacket, gun, and tie hung on the coat rack; he slipped off his shoes and lay down on the couch. He closed his eyes, fell immediately to sleep and started to dream.

 “Excuse me, Mr. McGarrett, sir,” a high-pitched voice intruded on Steve’s dream. He opened his eyes to find himself staring at a very, large talking frog. Talking frog!! Danno’s right I need a vacation. Steve closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

 “Let me try, Kermie.” Steve heard.

 A light hand tapped on his shoulder, Steve now found himself staring at a blonde, pink pig, dressed in a very loud print muu muu. “Mr. McGarrett you have to help us!!”, she batted her long blonde eyelashes. “You’re the world’s best detective, we’ve heard and we really, really need your help.”

 Steve now sat up, either this was a dream or he would have some heavy explaining to do to Danno when he came in. He slipped back on his shoes, still of indecision whether or not he should go home.

Damm a pink pig and a green frog, why can’t I see pink elephants just like everyone else. I knew I shouldn’t have had that glass of wine at dinner.

 “See, Kermie. I knew I could convince him”, the pig said.

 “Mr. McGarrett let me introduce myself. I am Kermit THE frog and this is my, my assistant, Miss Piggy.” Miss Piggy hit Kermit, hard.

 “Assistant indeed. We are partners. Mr. McGarrett,” as she batted her eyelashes at Kermit.

 “The others should be along shortly and then we can start the case.” Kermit informed Steve.

 Others? What have I gotten myself into? Steve closed and opened his eyes to be still staring at Kermit and Miss Piggy.

 Steve heard a loud ruckus, as other talking animals appeared, a talking bear and another talking creature, he couldn’t quite identify.

 “Fozzie Bear, meet Mr. McGarrett,” Kermit made introductions “and this is Gonzo.” Steve shook hands with them and then led them to the white chairs in front of his desk.

 “Yesterday,” Fozzie started. “I met a golfer who always wears an extra pair of pants. You know in case he gets a hole in one. Get it.  A HOLE IN ONE! Wacka, wacka, wacka.”*

 Steve ignored Fozzie and turned his attention to Kermit. Miss Piggy had decided to sit on the edge of Steve’s desk and continually batted her long eyelashes at him. Steve was finding it very distracting and almost asked her to stop.

 “Well, you see Mr. McGarrett,” Kermit started “We lost a goose and we really need to find her.”

 Miss Piggy interrupted,” It’s not just another goose Mr.McGarrett. It’s like a lost long member of our family.” Kermit was eyeing Miss Piggy and Steve felt he was suddenly being had.

“Tell me why you picked me?” Steve questioned them again.

 Miss Piggy explained they were new to the island and on everyone’s lips was the name McGarrett and certainly he could take the time to help visitors. She constantly batted her eyelashes. For some reason, Steve agreed and went into his desk drawer and pulled out binoculars and a flashlight. It was then a large disagreement broke out between the four of them. Only after practically yelling was he able to get them to concentrate on the job at hand.

 After the discussion, Steve went to the coat rack and got his jacket and holster, he didn’t think a tie would be necessary, but put it on anyway.

                                         XXXXXXX

 Kermit and Miss Piggy sat in the front seat of the mercury, Fozzie and Gonzo were in the back, constantly complaining. Somehow, Kermit pulled out a large map of Oahu and started pointing out sources of fresh water and the likely places the goose could be.

 Why am I even here? I’m just along for the ride or worse!

 They started at Kiopolani Park and worked their way around the ponds. The creatures really didn’t have a complete description of the goose, but they managed somehow. Each stop, Steve had to wade in some water, his toes and calves starting to get chilled in the process.

 Steve had lived on the Ohau for many years and never knew there were so many damm lakes. The things were starting to get on his nerves, constantly bickering between each other, but what really bugged Steve every stop he made he seemed to pick up more passengers.

 Fozzie chimed in with another joke. “When is a car not a car? When it’s a lemon! Wocka, Wocka! A LEMON! WAIT! I got more!!”*

 The back seat was now crammed with these creatures getting hair, feather and cookie crumbs in his nice clean car. Talking constantly Steve had to bite his tongue, afraid he might blow his top in front of them. He heard strange noises, from wacka, wacka, Swedish sounding language and a Romaniaian accent. I’m definitely ready for a vacation. He heard clucking noises, squealing, and someone continually counting. Steve was afraid to look in the rearview mirror, wondering what other strange and wondrous thing would show up next.

 Not only that a few of them were singing a song about rainbows and the tune and words had gotten stuck in Steve’s brain and now the song was playing on a continuous loop in his head, annoying him further.

 Every stop was turning into a big goose egg, with no goose to be found and Steve was tired of their evasiveness. Finally, he cornered Kermit for an answer.

 “Okay, What gives about this damn goose, Kermit?” Steve’s eyes fixed on Kermit. He withered under Steve’s fiery gaze.

 “Mr. McGarrett, watch your language please, you never know whose watching. Okay, okay,” Kermit relenting under Steve’s glare. “It lays golden eggs, we need it for seed money to start a TV show. I’m sorry Mr. McGarrett, its. . .its just we really need your help.”

 Goose that lays the golden egg. That was a fairy tale.

 They all climbed back into the car, with Steve ready to call it a night and go home. Only the sheer force of will to find something so rare egged him on.

 As they were driving, Steve was growing crazy, a damm wild goose chase. And Danno said he didn’t have a sense of humor.

 “Hey, wait a minute.” Kermit piped up. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner. We should go talk to Big Bird, he would know.”

 Big Bird, Steve mouthed.

 “I knew I could count on you Kermie, unlike some people I know.” Miss Piggy now glared at him.

 Steve gently touched Miss Piggy and her glare intensified at him.

 “Listen, next time you touch me, buster. HI-YAA”

 Everyone started agreeing loudly, so loud in fact Steve couldn’t hear himself think.

 “Wait a minute, wait a minute.” Steve shouted above the din. He was finally able to calm everyone down. “Do you know this Big Bird and where we can find him?”

 “Yes,” they all replied. “He’s on Sesame Street.”

 Sesame Street. I’ve lived here for almost fifteen years and have never heard of that street. “Okay, guys. Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?”

                                         XXXXXXXX

 Steve checked the address again. The street was straight out of New York, couldn’t be. Brownstones, metal trash cans, the scent of soot and boiled cabbage. The street was filled with creatures; Steve didn’t even know how to identify. He felt he was in a parade as he followed his now entourage to big bird.

 “Hey, everyone.” Fozzie started again. “Did you hear that the frogs in New York have erected a monument to frogs everywhere? It’s called the Statue of Ribbet-y. Ha! Get it? STATUE OF RIBBET-Y?”*

 Kermit and Miss Piggy led the group, until Steve could see a large yellow thing in the distance. Big Bird? As they got closer, Steve could see they weren’t kidding. The thing stood about eight feet tall, was a bright yellow and had a very large beak and high voice.

  “Hello, everyone” Big Bird called to them.

 “Boy are we glad to see you,” Miss Piggy said to Big Bird. “Some people you just can’t trust.” As Miss Piggy eyed Steve.

 “Umm,” Kermit nudged his way in. “We really need to find the goose that lays golden eggs.”

 “Umm” Big Bird thought, putting his wing up to his mouth. He told them where to find the goose and then the ruckus started again as soon as they climbed into the car.

                                         XXXXXX

 They were finally at the location Big Bird told them. Steve again had to check to make sure he was still in Ohau. They were in a huge redwood forest. He kept looking back at the mercury, expecting it to disappear into thin air.

 “Do you know,” Fozzie started up again, “What kind of stories my mother read to me when I was a cub. Furry tales! Get it? She was a BEAR! She’d read me FURRY tales. Ahh AHHAhh!*

 Steve just ignored him and got out the infrared binoculars, he spotted an odd colored goose. Not exactly white or gold in fact. The creatures continued on how they should approach the bird.

 Frustrated Steve took the matter into his own hands. He approached the goose quietly cooing, wading in the water and used his tie to make a leash. His feet of course got wet in the process, but at least he had the goose.

 “Excuse me, excuse me.” Steve yelled to be heard above them.

 “Now what?” Miss Piggy snorted.

 “I have the goose.” Steve stated plainly ready for the whole torrid episode to be over with.

                                 XXXXXXX

 Piling into the car, Steve could hear everyone going quiet. Finally!

 As they drove back to the Palace, Steve cranked up the heater His feet were still wet and it had been a long and tortuous night.

 Miss Piggy kept on going how it was Kermit who had found the goose and not him. Don’t I get any respect? I got the damm thing, didn’t I? But, Miss Piggy only had eyes for Kermit. THANK GOD!

 They all followed him up the steps and into the office.  Each creature shook his hand and suddenly Steve felt very, very, tired.

 They headed out the door and Steve could see the mass of them going with Miss Piggy and Kermit leading the way. He shut the door. Even after he shut the door he could still here them squawking as he laughed silently. Boy, what a dream or was it more like a nightmare. Glad its over with.

 Steve hung up his jacket and loosened his tie, so tired he didn't even remove his shoes as he headed back to the couch. Maybe finally now I can get some sleep. He lay down and immediately fell asleep.

 "Steve, Steve"

 Steve opened his eyes to find himself staring at Dan Williams. His mouth with just a slight smile, curly brown hair, and just a hint of merriment in his blue eyes, as he stood there neatly pressed in his dark green suit.

"You know, Steve. I don't know why you even pay rent. Why don't you just move your stuff here? I'm sure it would save you a lot of time."

 Steve glared at him and his green suit.

 "Tell you what Steve, how about I buy you breakfast?  My treat."

 Steve swung himself over and put his feet on the floor and stood up. His feet squished into his shoes. No way, I was dreaming I had to be.

 "Steve, your feet are all wet." Dan looked down at Steve's feet and smiled. “Something you should tell me about?” Dan now had a wicked grin on his face.

 Steve looked down to find his shoes, socks and pant legs were still wet.

 "You said something about breakfast," Steve said reaching for his jacket. As he slid it on, he patted his pockets for his car keys and felt something else. He quickly put his hand in his pocket and pulled it out. It was a little golden egg with a note attached. "Thanks. The Muppets"

So that was what those creatures were.

 "C’mon, Danno. Lets go to breakfast and will talk about you holding down the fort, while I go on vacation." Steve patted Dan on the back.

 "Uh, yeah, sure, Steve." Dan responded in shock.

  PAU or POW

 * www.muppetts.com/fozzie/fozziearchives.html

 

 

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